Do you have any idea what pisses me off?
Do you have any fucking clue my loyal and ravenous minions?
Well don’t fret if you can’t think of it, I am going to tell you whether you want to know or not. I mean really did you ever doubt I would deny you the pleasure of watching me bitch and moan like a racist dip wad who just learned his son married one of those “Brown Girls” or some other shit of equal stupidity?
Of course you didn’t. Because you know Josh loves you and loves to share the anger … the righteous glorious anger which fuels me!
So here we go.
I know I have promised to stop complaining about the asinine shit that takes place behind the scenes in the writing and publishing community. I know I’ve said I’m done commentating. But here is the real truth of the matter, some people don’t know win to keep their mouths, pens, word processors to themselves. This isn’t the 1980’s nothing stays private or “Just among friends” ever.
Two things have happened in my sphere in the last month that have stuck in my craw and caused massive face pain. These things are not associated with one another in any way beyond them being related to writing and the tendency of people who should know better to talk down to people just beginning to stake out their little bit of coastline and frame their dock. I have tried to ignore them and have not engaged the perpetrators of these transgressions online, but I need to vent.
It’s that or I hunt humans in the inner city … and I’m not going back to prison again.
Let me set the table before I begin bloviating like some self righteous upper middle class asshole. I am an okay writer, I don’t think I’m a great writer and I don’t think I am a great writer. I am a workmanlike writer who concentrates more on story than on significance of the blue door. Because sometimes a blue door is JUST A FUCKING BLUE DOOR!
Okay, moving on.
I am decent writer, a mediocre editor, and an enthusiastic publisher. What I am not and never claimed to be is a teacher. I have written a book entitled “Josh Hilden’s Useless Advice for New Writers” and the title tells you exactly what the book contains. I received a 1 star review on Amazon UK and here is the awesome 1 star review.
Badly written, lousy grammar, full of swear words (to no purpose) and this is supposed to be advice for new writers. Don't make me laugh. This is absolutely dreadful. If it were possible to give it a score of zero that would still be too high.
This review makes me laugh like a son of a bitch. Like nearly every review I’ve ever received I take it with a grain of salt. He/She didn’t like it. In fact they hated it so much they wanted to give it a zero. Funny thing is they bought a Kindle copy and hated it so much they didn’t return it. Or they got it when I had it FREE and decided to trash something they didn’t pay for. But I will give this person a pass, they probably don’t realize how much bad reviews can hurt sales and rankings along with trashing new writers self confidence.
Fellow writers are a different story.
I do not review book unless I like them, ever. I am not going to trash another writers work because it’s not a fair review, yes I know what I like and don’t like but I will always be comparing what they publish to what I would have written with the same nugget of a tale to begin with. I also never comment on the quality of a writer or their work on social media or in blogs unless they relate to me personally (ie work from Palladium Books jumps to mind). While I think there are writers who can separate themselves from the object most of us can’t, I can’t and I don’t know of any writer personally who can.
Right now you may be asking, “Josh did a writer review your work and hurt your damn delicate feelings?”
First, no as far as I know no fellow writer has reviewed my work recently. If they have it’s been under the radar, besides I haven’t been reading the reviews as of late. Second … FUCK YOU! I cry every time I watch the ER episode where Mark dies, I cry at the Fry’s Dog episode of Futurama, and I cry at the double feature of I Remember You and Simon & Mary on Adventure Time. So piss off.
What actually happened was I read some Facebook Bullshit by two writers, one of them with a modest career volume wise and the other fucking legend in his field. The comments were separate and had nothing to do with one another but they were also some of the most condescending bullshit I’ve read in awhile. Neither of these people knows me, my work, or anything of relevance about me. Neither of these people would ever consider me their league. I will not be naming names, I will not be citing direct quotes, and I will not be making it easy for any of you to track this down.
That being said lets dive into this quagmire of me thinking it’s my place to rail against my better for no other reason than it pleases me. And let me assure you my minions, it pleases me much.
The first incident is one of condescension. A writer made a post about how they are sick and tired of people with only a couple of published works offering advice to new writers. This person has an MFA in English and has half a dozen published works. This person is convinced that anyone who is offering advice to people who are in a position they themselves have recently occupied have zero business trying to help. This writer has further stated that it makes her laugh because these people can’t possibly know what they are talking about while this writer is a fucking genius.
So here is my question to the unnamed writer.
Just when exactly can one writer offer advice to a new writer? Is it when we have achieved your Jedi like level of wisdom? Or is it because since we don’t have a nearly useless degree we will never be qualified?
Asshat … moving on.
The second incident is the case of a legend in a field thinking they can somehow dictate the worth of another. This person has been working maybe longer than I have been alive. This person is a living fucking legend in his field. This person also has a reputation as a real prick, but a prick that in the past has been able to identify and polish young talent. Considering this person’s body of work and level of talent I am willing to let a lot of douche bag behavior slide, a lot but not all.
This person said that no writer should ever call themselves a writer. According to this writer another writer has no ground to call themselves a writer. It is in fact a massively arrogant thing to do. According to this writer it is up for other people to bestow the title of writer.
I don’t even know how to attack this one. I seriously, this is one of the most asinine thing I’ve ever heard another writer say. It is right up there with a certain writer I know who claimed he was one of those few writers who was qualified to be his own final editor.
Okay that’s it, I’m finished for today. Our lesson today is that asshole writers need to stop being back biting petty bitches. Its bad enough we have to deal with dumbass reviewers who get off on shredding peoples work. It’s bad enough that Indie and Mainstream writers can’t seem to get along. It’s bad enough that we are being used as pawns in the publishing world.
Do we really need to try and fuck each other?