“Screw The BMV!”               

screw bmv.jpg

            I wrote a truncated and much less coherent version o of this essay on my personal Facebook page today in hopes it would make me feel better. Unfortunately all it did was serving to angry up my blood and make me feel very stabby! Even now as I am attempting to expand upon and clarify my feelings all I can think about is the machete in my basement and how close to the sources of much of my anger my home is…

            Okay, I suppose you need to know what happened to cause me such irritation. I mean there must be a reasonable explanation for why I feel like going all “Michael Meyers” on vast segments of humanity. I mean it must have been something insanely bad to have pushed me to thoughts of honor killing and jihads.

            I went to the State of Ohio Bureau of Motor Vehicles (BMV) today.

            Wait… where are you going?

            Sit your ass back down and listen to me. And stop all of that laughing. I HAVE A DAMN POINT TO MAKE!

            Okay, sorry I yelled. It’s been a really bad week. Please see my last journal essay for an explanation. None of what I talked about in that bit of self pity is germane to what happened today but it did serve to have me in an already hair trigger state.

            Alright enough build up, let’s break this bitch down!

            Let's see if I have all this crazy crap straight. No bisexual jokes please because there will be zero pretty boys in this one. One day I will breakdown just what I find uber sexy in men and women but this is NOT the day for that. This is about serious shit. Serious shit created by my own tendency to procrastinate and put off tasks not directly in my road, but serious shit nonetheless.

            My driver’s license expired on August 3, 2013 my 37th birthday (37 NOOCH!). On my actual birthday I had no running car so I forgot about getting it renewed. I fully cop to that being my fault and take 100% blame, well 98% of the blame because as we all know there is no such thing as a hundred percent (10 Josh Points if you get that reference).

            It shouldn’t have been a real pain in the ass. But apparently after February 3, 2014 I was no longer allowed to get it renewed without the assumption that I've never had a license. In fact I've had one for more than 21 years. In that time I've received ONE ticket and ZERO points. But because I am 12 days after the final date I have to pay, and pay hard. Or as one of my “BookFace Friends” said maybe the BMV is taking extreme punitive measures because they “Know” I’ve been driving on an expired license but because I am a good driver I’ve never been pulled over so the police could hammer me.

            And how am I being punished?

            Oh friends you’d best sit back because this one makes the “Brain Baby” kick hard (10 more Josh Points if you get that reference). There are three needlessly irritating and complicated steps to regain my driver’s license and no longer be on par with Taxi Driver Hitler.

            Do you think Taxi Driver Hitler would only drive a white cab?


1) The first step I have to take is I have to call and make an appointment to take a written exam (which I need to pay for). The days I can take this test are limited and the locations are few, they are also not in the same building where I can take a road test or actually get my driver’s license. After I have passed the easy test (when I say easy I mean Sloth could pass this thing with no help from Chunk) and given them a substantial quantity of cash (can you guess which one they actually care about at the good old BMV) I move onto the next step.


2) First I have to once again call and make an appointment to take a driving test. This test is NOT in the same place where I have to take the written test and is also only available on limited days. Once again I will need to pay to take this test. So these people get a second infusion of my cash on this road of state sanctioned extortion.


3) After I’ve passed the 2 tests, and let’s not forget PAID for them I then have to go to another location. At this location, thankfully only a mile from my home, I will then be forced to repeat most of what I did today. But at least this place is only closed on Sundays and Holidays so no limited time frame bullshit. After I wait in the line I will turn over my documents, be interrogated by the mutant child of Mrs. Garret and Mr. Haney, be forced to look at stupid lights, and then pay a hefty fee to get a card every American NEEDS to function in this fucking country!


            Deep cleansing breath… calm blue ocean.

            Look before you start yelling at me that I was a moron for not already renewing my license during the allowed period let me save you the effort. I already know this. My wife has told me repeatedly that I was going to regret putting it off. My friend and former boss Kelly has been on my ass for months to just fucking do it. So yeah I once again I take all the blame for allowing the damn piece of plastic to “Expire” hence reducing me to same status of terrorist and failed shoe bomber.

            I get that I fucked up and if there was a substantial penalty fee for renewing my license I would be 100% fine with it. But in more than 21 years I’ve never had my license revoked, it just lapsed!

            But none of that matters because now the State of Ohio is raping me for all of the money they can get. In case you didn’t get it I am of the firm opinion that this is a bunch of bullshit.

            The car is insured and plated.

            I have ZERO POINTS on my license.

            I am 37 with a nearly perfect driving record.

            This nothing more than so much government bullshit!





Josh Hilden

When I was born on August 3, 1976 in the great state of Michigan the hills shook and the sky was swept with fire. These were portents of the greatness for my future that was written in the stars ... I'm still waiting for that greatness. My name is Josh Hilden and I am many things. I am a husband, a father, a son, a friend. These are all important things but at my core I am an artist and the medium that I work in is words. I am a writer of Horror, Science Fiction, Drama, and Role Playing Games. I worked for Palladium Books (www.palladiumbooks.com) and Third Eye Games (www.thirdeyegames.net) before striking out on my own and founding a small press publishing company Gorillas with Scissors Press (www.gwspress.com). I also work for Fat Goblin Games (www.fatgoblingames.com). In the everyday world I can be found spending time with my family and friends. I have been married to my lovely wife Karen since 1996 and we have six amazing children. We tend to be a family of unabashed geeks and gamers who were geek before geek was chic. If you are really interested in me I am very active online with a personal and a writing blog along with a plethora of social media outlets. If you have any questions or just want to chat hit me up!