You’re the Inspiration: Part 2 – “The Toys I Loved Before Boobies”



            Last time, actually two essays ago since the last one was a giant bitch fest, we talked about the toys which fired my imagination before I started school. Ah the good times, gay Fisher Price campers and the slaughter of the Tub Town residents by Poseidon.

            And don’t forget the pixie handjobs… always the pixie handjobs.

            So today we will delve into the last of my innocent childhood creative playthings and inspirations.


            It all started long long ago in a house far far away. And by that I mean it began with Star Wars Action Figures. I was just a little too young to get in on the infamous “Early Bird” offer of figures but by the next Christmas I was insane for Star Wars.

            I remember that Christmas for two reasons. The first is that it was the one we spent living with my grandmother because mom and dad couldn’t decide if they wanted to be married or not. For the record I am a big believe that my parents really were in love with one another but they were too fucked up in the end to stay together. I will say this until I am cold and dead.


“Getting divorced is the best thing my parents ever did for me.”


            But more important than living with grandma for the first time it was the Christmas of Star Wars. I can’t even remember how many action figures I got but I do remember the crowning glory. I was given the Millennium Falcon. It was the first time I sprouted the fabled Geek Boner… except you know… I didn’t actually raise the main sail. Too young for that you perverts.

            In the years before Empire Strikes Back came out I created my own stories of action and adventure. I did voices for each character and made sound effect for the vehicles. Not to be a one setting guy the weirdo’s from my Fisher Price toys were invited to join the Star Wars people in their adventures. This all culminated with a massive battle between the Falcon and Space Shuttle, after I’d shorted out the electronics in the tub.

            It was a draw.

            As the movies kept coming out I continued to get the toys. As my legions grew and the adventures I created flourished. I still love the memories of my Star Wars action figures but in the end they were not the toys which defined my creative years between the ages of 5 and 12. That would be the homoerotic muscle-bound awesomeness of GI Joe A Real American Hero!

            Before we move on I need to share an interesting side note about Star Wars. It is the first movie I remember seeing and it was in a Drive In as well. So yeah, take that you fucking Hipster Geeks!

            I’ve told the story of my first GI Joe action figure in great detail already. So instead of giving the lengthy tale another beating I will give you a very quick rundown. Are you ready? Good, here we go and pay attention because there will be a quiz afterwards.

{C}o   Mom went to Dayton in order to deal with Post Partum Depression

{C}o   I stayed with Dada and we grilled steaks in the rain

{C}o   Mom bought me a GI Joe action figure (Short Fuse)       

{C}o   Mom brought said action figure back from Dayton and I was happy

{C}o   I took the action figure to school

{C}o   A cocksucker who was supposed to be my friend stole the action figure

{C}o   I was devastated

{C}o   It made me the bastard I am today.

            My parents recognized my GI Joe obsession quickly and it became the primary mine from which they sought gift ideas. I want to make this very clear. I had, and still have, a lot of GI Joe shit. Until I put down the Sky Striker and started noticing Jenny Thornton’s boobies GI Joe was my number one creative form of expression. As you will see in the essays which follow this one GI Joe has heavily influenced almost all of them. It even shines on my love of Boobies and Abs… oh Scarlet and Duke, anyway, moving on.

            As with Star Wars mashup was the rule of the day and every other toy I possessed was incorporated into my GI Joe creative fandom. The Masters of the Universe action figures, I had a handful of them, were giants who ravaged the land and had to be smacked upside their squashy rubber heads by the Joe’s. Although to be fair Skeletor and Cobra Commander were always buddies in these little plays.

            That was always fucking epic!

            I had other toys in that period I remember fondly. Transformers and Gobots made a brief appearance along with Masters of the Universe figures. I was never a massive collector of these toys but I liked them and still have a few of them. But despite the multiple lines of toys that entertained me and allowed me to stretch me creative imagination there was one collection of toys which almost matched GI Joe and Star Wars.

            Marvel Secret Wars action figures.

            There weren’t many of these but I had almost all of them and they were/are amazing. I had/have a few of the various DC Super Powers action figures (Brainiac was my favorite) but Marvel had my heart back in the day. I was just really getting into serious comic book collecting at that point (we will discuss it later) and the toys were the BEST comic book action figures on the market. Unfortunately I was a little too young to get on the MEGO bandwagon back in the day. Although I had a naked Spiderman… everyone had naked Spiderman.

            After the age of 12 I didn’t create so much with toys. I still loved them and to this day I still collect them. My current fixations are Pop Vinyl’s and Marvel Universe action figures. But it’s not the same. That is sad but it’s not a bad thing, as long as creativity evolves and doesn’t stagnate moving on is a positive as opposed to a negative.


            Next time we move on to television shows. I was going to do Comic Books next but let’s be honest, I am a child of the television generation and while I am a voracious reader TV was my first love. I keep thinking of more parts I can write about so Glob only knows how many parts this will end up being. But suffice it to say I am going to keep talking about Brokeback Fisher Price Campers and Naked MEGO Spiderman.







            But seriously I need to know, why did we all take off Spiderman’s clothes and never put them back on?


Josh Hilden

When I was born on August 3, 1976 in the great state of Michigan the hills shook and the sky was swept with fire. These were portents of the greatness for my future that was written in the stars ... I'm still waiting for that greatness. My name is Josh Hilden and I am many things. I am a husband, a father, a son, a friend. These are all important things but at my core I am an artist and the medium that I work in is words. I am a writer of Horror, Science Fiction, Drama, and Role Playing Games. I worked for Palladium Books ( and Third Eye Games ( before striking out on my own and founding a small press publishing company Gorillas with Scissors Press ( I also work for Fat Goblin Games ( In the everyday world I can be found spending time with my family and friends. I have been married to my lovely wife Karen since 1996 and we have six amazing children. We tend to be a family of unabashed geeks and gamers who were geek before geek was chic. If you are really interested in me I am very active online with a personal and a writing blog along with a plethora of social media outlets. If you have any questions or just want to chat hit me up!