Before you read the title of this essay and think this is going to be yet another emo bitch session let me assure you that while this another emo bitch session it’s one made while I am actually feeling pretty good about my life. So yes while I am going to be whining and complaining about so facets of my life, call it what it is I’ll be throwing a pity party yet again, it’s all done with an eye towards things actually being better despite the doom and gloom.
Alright let’s do this thing!
It took me a long time to realize in order to feel happy you need to occasionally feel bad. I don’t mean you should feel miserable. Unless you are some kiddy touching puppy kicking asshole I don’t think you deserve to feel miserable. If you are one of those monsters please throw yourself off the nearest bridge while holding a bowling ball. But those fuckers aside everyone needs to feel a little bad in order appreciate when things are good. I mean how else do you determine good and bad?
NOTE: I am not speaking of people struggling to live with depression and other chronic mental difficulties. Please if you are one of those people (I count myself in your numbers) seek professional help. I know it can be scary to admit you are not in charge of your own thoughts and emotions but it is almost impossible to conquer it on your own. It’s not a sign of weakness to admit you need help it’s a sign of courage.
So I guess you are wondering what has brought these feelings on aren’t you. Well even if you’re not I’m going to tell you anyway so if you’re not interested just close this page and go look for your favorite wank site. I promise I won’t be mad, fuck I’d rather be pulling it myself.
Are you still here?
Good, glad you picked me over YouPorn and Grindr.
So the first thing on my mind is my job. No not how much I hate my job and want to gnaw my foot off in order to escape the monotony. What id bothering me is the real job, the writing job.
Sit down I haven’t lost my mind, just listen.
I have been kicking out the wordage like a fucking champion lately. I’m not claiming to be a dynamo or anything but I’ve never produced like this in my entire life. It feels amazing. It’s like being stoned without the cotton mouth and constant desire for Taco Bell.
Not that I know what that feels like…
I have felt more like a real writer in the last ten day than I have in the last two years. I am not complaining about this at all. What I am sitting here bitching and complaining about is the financial reality. I’m not losing money, in fact my income increases steadily every month. I am expanding into new outlets and platforms as fast as I can and upping my game every day, and that’s the problem. I am outstripping my ability to generate revenue. I know the income channels will catch up and in the long run this is a excellent situation to be stuck in… but damnit it’s frustrating.
And now for the other issue taking up space in my skull.
I miss my best friend and I am ashamed to admit I’ve been allowing myself to feel bad about it. I don’t mean bad in the sense that I’m a little depressed and feeling sorry for myself. I mean I have spent a few weeks feeling like I’ve been abandoned by the people I love and that I am without friends. Before you start yelling at me allow me to head off the remarks.
I am well aware that I am being a whiny little bitch reveling in self pity and allowing myself to be the selfish child I was before I started taking control of my life. I get it and I accept it, but the only way I am going to be able to deal with it is to share it.
My best friends are currently on vacation with some of their other friends. It’s a vacation my wife and I went on with them in 2010. That vacation was the last good time I had before spiraling into the worst depression of my life and nearly ending my marriage. My friends go on this trip every year and I am always a little bit jealous. This is one hundred percent my own issue, my friends are real friends who’ve had my back even when I thought I was alone. But still every year I feel bad when they go on the trip.
This year I had an epiphany.
I am a really bad friend.
My best friend in this entire world has been there for me in every facet of my life. It didn’t matter how hard his life was and how miserable he might have been he was there, in my corner, giving me nothing but love and friendship without ever asking for anything.
I have had the unmitigated gall to be jealous and feel hurt.
Sometimes I just need my fucking ass kicked.
I am actually happy and I have a really good life. Yeah there are problems with family members. Yes there are issues with finances, automobiles, and future places to live. But my life is pretty god damn good. I have my family, I have my career, and I have this man in my life who is more my brother than my friend. He is more my brother than one who shares my blood. I love him more than almost any other human being on the face of this earth and I have had the nerve to feel ignored.
I AM HAPPY MY BROTHER BILL HAS A LIFE THAT MAKES HIM HAPPY!
There I said it. Eventually you have to grow up and it doesn’t happen all at once. This week I took another step toward being a better person. I will never be a perfect persona and I will probably never be as great as my brother… but I hope one day I’ll be a good person.