Have you ever ended up hiding in a closet for twenty minutes in angry tears because the idea of death was preferable to the very idea of picking up a mop and mopping a hallway?
Well, I’m glad because I’ve been there more than once in the last few years. Whether it’s been mopping, sweeping, cleaning a window, or a hundred other things I’ve been there.
Sometimes I cry.
Sometimes I lash out.
Sometimes I force myself to just do the job and spend the next twelve hours an emotional wreck.
But, since 2015, it’s allways ended the same way. I quit the job and feel like a complete failure.
I used to be proud of my work ethic. I’d take a job and do that job until I’d had enough and found another job always giving two week’s notice before leaving. Now I just leave. I say my goodbye, apologize for being a lazy piece of shit, and go home to feel worthless.
I’ve reached the end of my rope
I explained all of this to my doctor, she’s terrific by the way, and she said I need to be on disability. I have under the recommendation of a close friend but the idea of starting the process tripped my triggers and sent me running from the process looking for a safe space. My Doctor told me my Bi-Polar has progressed to a crippling level and that I’ve also developed agoraphobia. She wants me on disability, not working, and she wants to put me on Adderall. Basically, I’m really mentally ill.
She’s not wrong.
In the last year, I’ve oscillated between apathy and agitation, passivity and paranoia. It’s been bad, worse than I ever want to talk about. Every day I wonder if today is the day to end things. I haven’t done it (obviously), and I have no immediate plan to do it. But there's always that little voice in the back of my head whispering horrible things that sound reasonable.
I’ve been warned it can take two years to win the disability fight so yes, I know what's coming.
So, where do we stand right now?
Yesterday I called the Social Security Administration (SSA) and sat on hold for almost an hour in order to speak with an actual human being as opposed to dealing with their fucked up website. I mean seriously have you ever looked at the SSA site? It’s living in 2006 and proud of it. Once I had said person on the line she walked me through what I needed to do and the documents I needed to bring for them and made an appointment at the end of the month to go through the process face to face with a person and not do it over the phone.
So far, so good, but that was the easy part.
The next part is not so easy.
My Doctor says I have to find a psychiatrist and get evaluated in order to have a chance of getting disability. There are two problems with this. The first, and most apparent, is finding one. I contacted my insurance provider and got a list of Shrinks in the area who take my insurance. This weekend I am googling them all to see if there are any glaring issues. On Monday, and maybe Tuesday depending on my nerves, I’ll be calling them to see who is available.
The last part is stupid and irritating.
I need to get a Social Security Disability Lawyer to represent me. This person will, of course, get a share of MY MONEY (we all pay into Social Security) for helping me negotiate this bullshit process. I don’t blame the lawyer I blame the process. It should not be this hard.
Nothing should be this hard.