Neon Pee

I'm gonna try to keep this one short.

Today I had an appointment with a specialist. Another ophthalmologist was recommended by the first one, who told me I was going to go blind. The appointment was not fun.

The first thing they did was numb my eyes. Followed by dilation. These things bring back Bad memories of childhood. I've had problems with my eyes ever since I was born. I was born with a lazy eye that rolls as far to the side as it possibly could. When I was six months old, they put goggles on me. One of my worst memories of childhood is being dragged to the optometrist and the ophthalmologist to have my eyes checked. The machine scared the hell out of me, and every time they had to dilate my eyes, I'd cry.

This is probably why I haven't been back to the ophthalmologist inside the teenager.

Today, the first thing I did after I was dilated was used that nifty little hammer device to check the pressure in my eyes. It took everything I had not to jump up and run from the seat. When the little nubs touched my eye. But I didn't, and I sat there, and I waited for the next indignity.

I didn't have to wait long.

I sat for half an hour for pictures Of my eye's interior, which pretty much meant I stared into a bright light for half an hour. They took picture after picture after picture and a long series of videos. It was uncomfortable and, in some cases, downright painful, but I endured it. It's not to make it sound like I'm some kind of tough guy. It's just I have a lot of experience with these things.

Then came the dye.

They injected me with a fluorescent dye to help them better see how bad off my eyes were. It didn't hurt to have the injection. The tech they had put in the line for the needle was pretty good at his job.

But I was still terrified.

What follows another series of pictures and videos? Much brighter and much more painful. But when they were done with these pictures and videos, I was done. They told me there was nothing to worry about and that the only thing I would notice was that my pee was going to be neon yellow for the next few days. Also, the dike made my vision red for half an hour which was actually kind of cool.

They took me from the lab back to the exam room, and I waited for the doctor. When he arrived, he laid it out for me as best he could. Yes, I am really going to go blind eventually, but there are things we can do for the next couple of years to keep it in check. Unfortunately, these things that we have to do trigger one of my biggest phobias, and it basically sent me into a panic.

Every month or so, I'm going to get an injection in each eye to relieve the pressure, and then two weeks after that, laser surgery on each eye. This will continue as long as The treatments are effective.

After that, my only choice is surgery.

Surgery on my eye.

The concept that may scare me the most of anything in the entire world that affects only me.

So now I sit here at my computer. Using this headset to input my words as opposed to the keyboard. I'm scared, I'm concerned, and more importantly, I'm mad. I'm mad at myself for letting it get this way. I'm mad at myself for not taking my diabetes seriously until this year, and mostly I'm mad at myself for never doing what I need to do to take care of my health.

Now I wait. Now I contemplate, And now the fear gestates.

I'll survive.

- Josh (10/05/2021)