Josh Bad

AHEM!

Please, never be ashamed of needing mental health help. Seeking mental health support at the lowest period of my adult life saved me. I've seen a psychiatrist and a therapist for years. When I was younger, I hid it from all but my nearest and dearest. Now, I shout it out whenever appropriate. Like I said, don't ever be ashamed.

That said, I feel guilty about many things in my life.

Most of my guilt comes from my childhood, and I’ve been processing those bits and bobs for years. I’m still working, and it’s still getting better dealing with those trigger points.

Adult me is wading in new ickiness.

Here’s something you need to know. Young Josh used to be a real asshole.

I'm not saying Old Josh isn't. He's just a different kind of asshole.

Young Josh was a schemer and borderline scammer.

He was selfish and lazy.

He convoluted stories to make them cooler and downplayed his lies so he wouldn't be caught.

He also told lies, at times, because, for some reason, it was better to tell people something short and simple as opposed to a long descriptive answer.

Young Josh always had something boiling in the kettle with three different spoons stirring at the same time.

I really hate Young Josh.

Thank the universe. I'm not him anymore. Or at least that’s what my therapist keeps telling me. But I still need to remain vigilant. If I look away, he'll come in a flash. I fear that if he does bear his piggly little again, that will be the end of Old Josh.

Young Josh was an asshole, and I'm ashamed I ever was him.

I like Old Josh just enough to want to see what he becomes.

Now, Old Josh’s guilt.

Sometimes, I feel like I can't do anything right around here. I feel like I let my partner down because she works her ass off, and I, let's be honest, have a tough time contributing sufficiently.

In the general vernacular, I don't pull my own weight.

Every time I spend time with my older kids, I feel like I'm being evaluated against what kind of father I was when they were growing up.

The answer?

Not a good one.

Now, I'm always on pins and needles, not wanting them to hate me.

I feel like an abject failure as a husband and a father.

Yes, I am fully aware this post is pure self-pity, but sometimes you need to get it out before you either explode or implode.

Remember, never feel ashamed to seek help.

- Josh (11/27/2023)