I'm A Work In Progress

As many of you know, it's been a rough couple of months.

I've been through a lot, most of it mental, some of it emotional, and a couple things that are physical. All of that said, I have to say thank you to every one of you that reached out to me and had kind words and messages of peace and hope. If it wasn't for the help, support, and good words from my friends online and my family in real life, I'm not sure I could have made it to this point standing. I’m not saying I would have killed myself. I'm saying I would have spent two weeks in bed without engaging with anybody.

So why are things better?

It's never been diagnosed, but I think I have a seasonal affective disorder. Every summer, I seem to shut down emotionally and mentally. With the exception of trips back home to Michigan. And the conventions that I managed to go to, the summers are a dark time for me. It's too hot. There's too much sunlight. There are too many people in the neighborhood out and about, and I just can't handle it.

The only good part about the summer is that my daughter is home from school. You would think that I would want her to be at school while I’m so depressed but having her around makes me feel better. She is one of the beacons of light in my life, and I don't know where I'd be without her or my other children.

From the very end of September until the middle of January, I am happier than at any other point in the year. Maybe it's the cool air. Maybe it's the lack of humidity, and maybe it's just. A feeling that makes no sense, but when it gets cool and when the nights get longer, and I don't have to run the air conditioner anymore, I'm happy, or at least as happy as I can be.

Yesterday was a bad day. Yesterday was the day that one of my phobias was triggered, and I had needles put in my eyes. Yeah, I'm OK. I'm not freaking out even though my eyes are sore, and it was hard to sleep last night. I don't feel so bad. Between the eyes and my upcoming colonoscopy, I have to have another one because I screwed up the prep on the first one, and my truck not being in the best of shape at the moment. I'm still in a pretty good mood.

Am I just coming out of a depressive swing?

Is it the weather that truly makes me feel better?

Or is it just nature?

Is it the way it's supposed to be?

I don't actually believe that things happen for a reason. But I feel better. I almost feel good. I know the feeling won't last, but for the moment, I'm relatively calm. I'm relatively happy. I'm relatively at peace.

Maybe, in the end, it's just my friends and family supporting me that did it that brought me out of this dark cycle that's been going on since April. Whatever it is, I'm thankful to the universe that I'm feeling this way. The ideas of ending my life or never getting out of bed, or not wanting to shower or eat have been virtually banished from my life.

I know this is just a temporary change. I know that I'll feel the depression again sooner rather than later. I know that there's no cure for the way I feel, and it's just a constant fight every day to be better than I was the day before.

To quote Battlestar Galactica, "this is all happened before, and it will happen again."

Even though I know that. I will take it today. I will take the peace I have. I will take my ability to function. I will be happy that I got up, took a shower, fed my dog, made breakfast, got my daughter off to school, and in the end, didn't take a long nap.

I guess it really is the little things that determine how you're doing.

In the end, you're either alone or surrounded by the people that love you. There's no Other option. I know that sounds dark, but I find comfort in it. I have a large family. I have a large community of friends, although most of them are online, but that didn't matter during my time of crisis. They all reached out to me. They tried to help me, and in the end, they did help me. I managed to walk through the darkness and come out on the other side.

I’m not gonna lie to any of you the year and a half. that's passed since my son died in the hardest of my life. Maybe I'm starting to come to terms with it because I'm willing to talk about it. Maybe I just ran out of gas in the tank, and it's time to fix things.

All I know is I love each and every one of you. This supported me. You are either my family by blood or the family I choose. Either way, I appreciate every last one of you.

But now it's time to do that thing. The thing I never wanna do. I have to start. I have to do things that have been sitting on done for almost two years. I have to get down to the brass tacks, as they would say, and address the major issues. I have a therapist now, and I'm hoping to work through many of these things.

For the first time in years, I have hope. I have hope that I can be normal or as close to normal as possible. I have hope that my mental illness won't control my life any longer. I know it will be hard. I know it will be scary. Things that have been kept buried for a long time need to be exhumed and studied. Things that even in my essays in which I try to be open, I haven't spoken of.

There's a lot of work to be done.

Because I'm a work in progress.

- Josh (10/03/2021)