I'm Sorry Kevin

Many months ago, I said I'd lost most of my respect for Kevin Smith, and I was done consuming his content. Jeebus Herman Christopher, do I feel like a piece of shit.

A very short bit of back story. Since I first experienced CLERKS in 1995, Kevin Smith has been one of the creative pillars of my life. He was right up there with Stephen King and George A. Romero. Hell, he might have been number one because I considered him my personal hero. I've always tried to emulate his openness, candor, and directness with the world. Even when he became a hardcore stoner following the failure of ZACK & MIRI MAKE A PORNI, I was still an uber fan.

Five years ago, things took a hard left turn.

Following his nearly fatal heart attack, Kevin changed. His openness seemed forced, and he stopped sounding like a natural person who enjoyed hocking his merch to the fans, but it never felt like pressure, and he usually used humor with his no-pressure sales tactics. Following his health scare, the sales tactic turned into a brittle patter that was painful to listen to.

I more or less bowed out as an active Kevin Smith booster two years ago.

A month ago, Smith announced he'd stopped smoking weed. I gave him mental "attaboy" at his decision and decided I'd give him another chance by watching CLERKS 3.

I still have yet to watch the film, but I'll get on it this week, primarily due to a YouTube video he released today (via PEOPLE). In the video, he speaks about his emotional/mental breakdown, the sexual abuse he experienced as a child, how being fat turned him into a miserable people pleaser for his entire life, and how he never put his emotional health and needs first.

This hit me like a bowling ball in the gonads. If you've followed me for any length of time, you'll know I suffer from two of these three of these issues. I've been fat all my life and emotionally scarred by children and adults alike because of it. But more than that, I am a survivor of childhood sexual assault. I even, like him, had a complete and nearly total nervous breakdown due to repressed trauma, plus a few other issues. So I can understand how his trauma, long suppressed, can affect him in the second half of his life.

Kevin, I'm sorry I gave up on you. I hope to one day make the journey back to New Jersey and attend one of your shows at the Smodcastle.