Yeah, It Got That Bad

 

(Authors note – I wrote this essay while on vacation in Michigan. An essay about said vacation and the reasons for it will be up in the coming days)

I’ve always hated the summer.

It’s always seemed the bad things in my life happened between May first and the first od September.  I know these are not the exact dates of summer, but I think it’s safe to say that most of us from the Midwest recognize those as the seasonal bookends for the jot days.

This year has been the worst.

As most, if not all, of you know my middle son died in April of 2020 from drug related complications.

This year my maternal grandmother passed from what I believe was medical negligence.

There birthdays are side my side. My son’s birthday is July 29, and my grandmother’s birthday is July 30.

Add to that my birthday being August 03 you can see how the last 45 days, give or take a few, have been very hard on me. I’ve spent the last month of my life barely showering. I didn’t shave for the entirety of the depression episode. I slept for at least twelve hours a day. And last, but not least, I wore the same clothes, underwear and all, for weeks at a time.

I stank, my breath was horrendous, my head and face itched from lack of proper grooming, my long finger and toe nails kept breaking and leaving me in pain. I ate like a voracious pigman and put on upwards of a dozen pounds. I could add a lot more but I believe you get the gist of just how low I was.

I’ve always said I’d never knowing lie in these Essays/Blogs or whatever the fuck you want to call them. You were warned Boils and Ghouls, it’s not all politics and hate. Sometimes it’s so low you can’t see the top.

I wrote the three following posts on BookFace and The Site Formerly Known As Twitter across the three birthdays under discussion here. Take them for what they are. They were my truth in the middle of one of the worst depressions of my life. They will always be the truth of the summer of 2023, the summer that almost broke me.

July 29, 2023

I've, once more, sequestered the family from this one. Today would've been Stephens's 35th birthday. Instead, he barely made it past 30.

If you're out there somewhere, I want you to know your father has always loved you and always will love and miss you. Happy Birthday, Boy.

July 30, 2023

Sigh, once more, the family is sequestered from this one. Yesterday was Stephen's Birthday, and today is Grandma's birthday. I know older adults die, but Grandma had a huge hand in raising me.

It's only been a few months, and it still feels like she's here. When I say I'm going to visit my Mom and my Grandpa’s I still say I'm going to Grandma's. It hurts every time. The last time I went there, the house no longer smelled like her. It broke my heart.

Happy Birthday, Grandma. I hope you find the peace you deserve in the next world.

August -03, 2023

Today is my birthday.

Today I am 47.

Today I am one year closer to meeting the reaper.

I hope she's as nice as I imagine.

- Josh (08/15/2023)

And now for a brief addendum.

I want people know that I am a lot better today. I’ve been shaving, showering, changing my clothes, brushing my teeth, and doing my damndest to not eat so much. I’m not suicidal, and as the days get shorter and the nights run cooler, I feel more like myself again. I’m sleeping less and when I do it’s in more concentrated blocks. I’m not feeling suicidal. Tell the truth and shame the devil it was getting a little too close for comfort there for a hot minute.

My point is I finally feel better.

Time is a cure of sorts. It brings closure to some things and relief, however temporary, from the things for which closure is not a possibility. With time we find a way to make it the next day, and the day after that, and the day after that. While you’re waiting for the passage of time to do it’s thing just remember these things.

Be kind to yourself.

Give yourself a chance to do better and be batter.

Don’t blame yourself when you come up short to expectations.

You’ll always get another chance if you just give it time.